Eaters Protection and Affordability Act

According to the USA Today’s editorial Wednesday, November 25, 2009, 49 million Americans lack dependable access to adequate food. That’s the largest number of people since numbers were first kept in 1995.

The number is suspiciously similar to the claimed number of people who are dying in the streets due to lack of assess to adequate health care. So as I peeled potatoes for the Thanksgiving dinner, I thought we could add a few more pages to the Health Reform Bills and fix this problem. After all, what is more critical, eating or sitting in queue to see your doctor?

Here’s my proposal. With some bureaucratic creativity this could be expanded to 1500 pages.

Every man, woman and child in the United States of America should have affordable food. To assure equal assess we need a universal food redistribution program. A single provider system. A universal food distribution program would create centers of food sources. They would require today’s high priced food sources such as Price Chopper, WalMart, A&P, Ralph’s, Safeway, etc to compete. We know they don't compete now. And have you every seen a Ralph's in New Hampshire? Food should be sold across state lines.

Because the government won’t have the overhead of advertisement, coupons, or promotional china give-a-ways, and shopping carts which end up under railroad trestles, food would be more affordable for all those who currently are starving in the street. (Ironically, that’s the poor and uninsured. Isn’t this the only place in the world where poor are fat and own their own shopping cart?)

And speaking of hefty, hefty, hefty. I propose a fat tax, similar to the one the airlines tried to impose on their fat flyers. As you enter the food distribution center you are weighed. All family members must be periodically weighed. Weight is entered into a national data base system for monitoring by the Bureau of Weights and Measures. Based on your weight and limits as defined in the Health Care Reform Bill (just another amendment), food will be distributed to each according to their need, or lack there of.

If you happen to be one of the rich people, who has a pantry stocked for three nuclear winters (my sister), there will be a tax imposed on this type hording. After all, why should these people have all this access to food while others have their ribs showing.

The fare at restaurants, fast food joints, and other dining establishments such as workplace roach coaches, will be taxed based on the caloric distribution on the menu and total consumption. A 40% tax on anything over 300 calories should discourage this gluttony.

Death panels? Not really. But certainly the elderly don’t need to eat that much.

To pay for the government run and controlled food redistribution program I propose taxing those people requiring high levels of caloric intact, say consumption over 2000 calories/day. So the NFL, and Michael Phelps will have to pony up. Oh yeah, and Michael Moore.

Anyone who plants a garden will be taxed. That includes Michelle Obama.

Farmer markets will be taxed.

Road side fruit stands - taxed.

Overweight people - taxed.

Any corn used for food - taxed.

Subsidies will be given to farmers who don’t grow food above the set limits, defined in the Eaters Protection and Affordability Act.

Anyone who doesn’t participate in the food redistribution program will be penalized and if participation is not reported to the IRS you will not be penalized, or face jail time. Definitely food rationing there, but adequate medical care.

Which brings me back to peeling potatoes. Damn it, I cut my finger.

Happy Thanksgiving.