RotoRooter

12:45 PM
Outpost: Central Command, we have a problem.

12:50PM
Me: This is Central Command calling emergency plumber. Do you copy?

Image: Well no, Chuck the plumber is not responding. The poor weekend on-call guy must be wading through knee-high slop caused by backed up drain pipe in some God forsaken basement that never sees the light of day expect in late November around Thanksgiving when someone retrieves the outdoor Christmas light and fake tree, and again in mid-January when the stuff is crammed back in the wet, spider infested cellar. Of course he can’t get to the phone.

12:55 PM
Me: This is Central Command calling Outpost. Do you copy?

Outpost: Copy.

Me: Waiting for response from emergency plumber. Tell occupants to cease showering and flushing, or you will be cleaning up sewage.

Image: Four unhappy tenants waiting to go to the bathroom and rents are due on Tuesday. Well, maybe not?

Outpost: Roger, sewage.

1:45 PM
Me: Central command calling emergency plumber. This is an Emergency. Water is coming into first floor bathrooms. Drain needs to be unclogged. Do you copy?

Image: Chuck is now up to his waist. Cellar rats have evacuated. Cave Crickets clinging to the rafters.

3:20 PM
Me: This is Central Command calling outpost. Update?

Outpost: Situation is desperate.

Me: How much longer can you hang on?

Outpost: We are doing everything we can. We could really use some back up. Sorry, we have a back up, that’s the problem.

Me: Waiting on response from emergency plumber. Will attempt to get a response from competitor.

Image: HUGE DOLLAR SIGNS. There goes this month’s rent. Scan the yellow pages on the internet. Sunday afternoon. This out to be good.

3:55 PM
Me: Central Command calling RotoRooter.

RR: We’ll have a man out there within the hour.

Me: Unbelievable!

RR: How would you like to pay?

Image: Firstborn.
Image: Emergency Plumber eating Doritos on over stuffed couch. Looks at ringing cell phone. Recongizes number. Flicks on TV, adjusts rabbut ears. Ignores call.

Me: Credit Card.

Image: Dave Ramsey having a heart attack. Check's in the mail, check's in the mail.

4:23 PM
RR: Hey, we are here. Where’s the Outpost?

Me: He’ll be there in five minutes.

Image: Auto wreck on Broadway.

4:26 PM
Me: Command Central calling Outpost.

Outpost: Shit. I am on my way.

4:45 PM
RR: Roots. $295 to clean the pipes. $1350 to repair.

Image: Another month of rice and beans. Got any good recipes?

6:20 PM
Outpost: Command Central, we just finished. Guess what, now the washer doesn't work.

Me: Sigh.

Emergency Plumber: Just got your message...

Image: Explosion