The State Department

I want to take a moment to lament the fact that I didn't asked to be born. That is a rather stupid thing to say. I sound like a teenager, angry at mom or dad or in this new age, parent number one or parent number two. Nevertheless, when life dishes out the hard stuff and dumps a load of crap on you, particularly when you're not in charge of making the rules, it is easy to blurt out something that has little relevancy to the issue. In this case, a teen thinks it would be better not to have sucked in one deep gulp of air. What doesn’t occur to the irked kid is that not one soul on earth was ever asked. None of us got that choice.

Biologically, to the best of my knowledge, it takes two individuals from both sexes to produce a child. At least, in most of the world outside Jurassic Park. With few exceptions, we don’t get to select who our parents are. So it would be just as insane to say, "I didn’t pick you as my father, or mother, or parent number one or parent number two."

Now if you are following along, you’ll ask, “What’s the deal with this parent number one and parent number two business?”

The State Department is now giving you a chance to identify your parents on gender neutralize passport application forms. The change is made to recognize the different types of families. Instead of identifying a mother and a father you can now identify your parents as parent number one and parent number two.

This is awesome. I can now regrow my whole family tree. Who needs an old Mexican immigrant anyway? (No offense Dad.) As parent number one I chose Bill Gates, the wealthiest man alive. It is such a no brainer. It doesn’t matter that the guy is a year younger than I am. Now, I won’t have to run around in my 1989 Jeep Cherokee with 345,000 miles on it. I could buy a new one, but honestly, I’d like to fully restore it. You see, I won’t abuse this opportunity.

My dilemma is the choice of parent number two. Who needs two parents when the first can provide for all my wildest needs? Er, make that wants. Money can buy everything in this case. But I don’t want to leave any blanks when I fill out my application forms. The State Department might interpret this as an incomplete submission, and this could delay issuing my new passport. I’m obligated to pick another parent. A tough choice.

Since my parent number one, God love 'em, is a liberal, I feel compelled to create a fair and balanced environment to promote my well-rounded development. So I got to go with Glenn Beck. He too is younger than I am, but again makes no matter. And certainly the fact that my choices are both men... I'm just not sure I want him reading bed time stories to me every night.

But to give myself a chance at a good upbringing I wish the State Department would add parent number three. I’d go with someone a older, maybe my father! I’m just saying, it takes a village.

I’m still working on my new name.