Stupid Questions

In the security guard training course, we were told that the most frequently asked question would be, “Where is the nearest bathroom?” A big part of my job outside of protecting the million dollar investments known as horses from the clueless public is to smile and answer questions.

1. While dragging a cooler large enough for a deep sea fishing expedition, balancing enough folding chairs to host a Greek wedding party on top and somehow managing to clutch a Silver Bullet beer can a person headed toward the entrance gates will ask, “Can I get out this way?”


2. “Where can I place a bet?” Maybe some people expect mutuel windows to be as conveniently located as Las Vegas slot machine found in public bathrooms, at restaurant tables, post office lobbies or even at gas pumps.


3. Every racing day starts with the National Anthem. Unlike the venue at a ball game however, the track doesn’t have a confined space surrounded by a seated audience waiting for ONE game to start. When the Star Spangle Banner is piped through the PA system not everyone is cognizant of the music. There are times when I barely hear it. Each security guard turns toward the track where a flag flies in the infield. We salute. The milling crowd slowly catches on. People stop walking, conversations cease, consumption halts and most don’t even puff on their cigars. Then there is that one last bewildered person. He looks around, frowns and asks, “What’s going on.?”


4. When the horses enter the bridal path to make their walk to the track, security guards pull a plastic chain across the pathways. This keeps people from walking right into a horse. Thinking they have plenty of time before the horse gets to the intersection an impatient person asks, “Can I cross?” Frankly horses walk pretty slowly. Freight trains also move slowly. But once the cross gates come down…


5. “Are those the horses?” Duh.


6. “Where is the clubhouse?” Let’s try this three story building we are standing next to.


7. “Where is the track?” I don’t even understand this question. It’s like going to Disney World and asking, “Where’s the mouse?”


8. “Can I smoke?” Just take a whiff. And the fatter the cigar, the better.


9. “What?” What do you mean, what?